There are times when, I have to admit, I am not the brightest bulb in the pack. One of those times was not so far in the past when I made the mistake of asking my brother and his wife to be my son's god-parents when Nathan decided he wanted to be Catholic. I should have just had my mom be god-mother and left it at that.
At the time, I thought it was a good idea. David and Amy are both practicing Catholics, and it wasn't as though Nathan would ever be living with them (as I have made other arrangements for his care should something ever happened to me). I also figured that if Nathan had questions that his grandmother or I could not answer, he could go to them.
BIG mistake that I am now regretting terribly. I first started realizing my mistake when David alienated our sister by insulting her fiance and saying that he wouldn't consider Kendrick (Brandie's fiance) a part of the family, even though the two had been living together for 7-8 years and engaged for 5, because they weren't actually married yet and he doesn't think they ever will be. Brandie promptly cut off all ties with him, Amy and the kids.
Even now, knowing that all he has to do is apologize for what he said, David insists that until they are "properly" married, he will not consider Kendrick family and will not allow his kids to do so either because they are living in "sin". When mom pointed out that even when they do get married, it won't be in the church, David replied with "Well they can still get their marriage blessed by the church." Umm... Yeah... Ain't gonna happen cause they are NOT Catholic.
As if that wasn't bad enough, he and Amy have constantly bad-mouthed Amy's brother for the fact that he lived with his girlfriend and had 2 kids with her before they finally got married in a small outdoor ceremony with a Backyard BBQ-style reception. Amy and David were so livid that they refuse to acknowledge the marriage at ALL, because in their opinion, her brother and his wife had been trying to scam the government out of tax money by living together without being married. Not only that, but she took personal offense at the fact that it was casual dress wedding/reception that, again, did not take place in the church, and it was after kids where born. So Amy viewed the entire thing as being nothing more than a party where they were asking for presents.
I am not at all surprised by all this. When I found out I was pregnant about 4 months before David and Amy's wedding, they acted as though I had done it on purpose with the sole intent of taking attention away from their big day.
And now, I am left wondering, if they are saying all this stuff about Brandie and Kendrick, and Amy's Brother, S-I-L and their kids, then what on earth are they saying about me and Nathan behind my back. Whatever it is, if it is bad, they have been smart enough to NOT mention it to me or my parents. As that would seal David's fate in being completely disowned by the family. Even mom and dad have said that they will not tolerate him speaking out against Nathan.
And now, to make matters worse, he is living with us and Mom and Dad have both admitted that they think we all made a mistake in allowing David and Amy to be Nathan's god-parents. Why? Because David has started acting as though he is more Nathan's parent than I am. More his guardian, then my folks are. He told mom she was not doing enough to teach Nathan Catholicism (not true). He takes insult that Nathan has an open mind when dealing with other religions or belief systems.
I finally got to the point where I no longer had to hide the fact that I am pagan from my folks, and I was able to openly talk about my views around them and Nathan without worry that my mom would freak out, and now I am back at square one, because David can't tolerate the idea that I have different beliefs than him. And, worse than that, that I (shiver) EXPOSE MY SON TO THOSE BELIEFS! Oh the HORROR!!!
Don't get me wrong. I am not trying to convert my son to my beliefs. HE, Nathan, decided he wanted to be Catholic after having been exposed to a few different choices. He was 7 at the time, and I felt he knew exactly what he was doing. So I said yes, and ever since, my mom has essentially been the one taking care of his religious education. But Nathan is a smart kid. He has questions about other faiths, and yes, most of those questions are about my faith and beliefs. He respects them and is even intrigued. And so when he asks questions, I answer. I am not going to lie to him. And I will not have him thinking that people who believe differently than him are wrong or evil or anything like that.
But I will admit, I was prepared to tone down on the Pagan stuff around David. Mainly because if I do not, I may not get to see my nieces and nephews again. So no big there necessarily. Save that it irritates me to have to tone it down in my own house. But my folks asked me to, to save hassle, considering that my brother is already near the breaking point.
No, what really irritates me, is that Nathan and I can't even joke around about the Evil Overlord stuff around David anymore. Because he finds that offensive as well, and Nathan shouldn't be exposed to that either!
Quick sidetrack. For those of you who do not know. There is a web Site, www.eviloverlord.com, where there is a list of "100 things I Would Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord." Actually, it is 233 once you include Cellblocks A & B. It is nothing more than a compiled list of the most common mistakes that every villian in movies, books or on TV has ever made. Only it is listed in such a way as to say, I will NOT make that mistake myself.
It includes such rules as "Shooting is not too good for my enemies," "After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out," "After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out" and "I will not turn into a giant snake. It never helps."
It is HILARIOUS! And due to my love of it, and making my friends all read it (and if you have not read it, you REALLY need to), I got nick-named "Evil Overlord" and as a running joke, some of my friends took on the names Wicked, Mean and Nasty, so that we had "Evil, Wicked, Mean and Nasty". After that, more friends wanted in on it, and it snowballed from there where everyone, for a while at least, was adopting a similiar-type name and were my "minions."
Well, some of those friends moved away and some I lost touch with, and one I am on the outs with, so as far as my friends go, the joke has run its course. But Nathan, who took on the name "Despicable" still likes to joke with me about taking over the world. So he pretends to make evil devices and he asks me to resist the rules and such.
Now Nathan understands that this is all pretend and that he is never to actually commit any crime or hurt anyone, and he gets in trouble if he does anything wrong. But I guess that David is not as good at separating pretend from real anymore because he does not see it as pretend or a joke. He thinks that Nathan shouldn't be exposed to it. Yet David's son is the one that thinks Pinky and the Brain are real and is always coming up with his own plots to take over the world, while David claims that he (David's son), understands that it is all fake.
I guess the difference is that Pinky and the Brain are just insane and the are cartoon characters, where as I am real, mentally competent and a Pagan, so I MUST really BE evil.
Me. The person who bends over backwards to help people, who is always giving her all for her friends, and who has been accused (I kid you not) of being TOO nice at times (except when I am writing or pissed that is)!
Yeah. I am truly an evil person....
Heavens help me! I can't wait until he is able to move out!!!!
The funny thing is, he and Amy are trying to figure out how to get her sister's ex-fiance to no longer be their son's god-father, as well as trying to figure out how to get her brother out of being the god-father to one of the other kids. Mom's thought? She hopes they do get it figured out. Cause as soon as they do, she wants us to get David and Amy out of being Nathan's God-parents. And I have to say ... I am in complete agreement on that one.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
The ever on-going battle of the VS.
Have you ever noticed that almost anywhere you go anymore you are bound to find someone or something that is being compared to something or someone else that may or may not be similiar?
And I am not just referring to things like "Coke vs. Pepsi". I mean, at least with something like that, you can understand the competition aspect. They are rival companies that each produce their product and each one is trying to get as many people as possible to chose its soda over the other.
When it comes to products and advertising, you have to compete. It is a "dog eat dog" world out there in those regards. But lately we, as a society, seem to have gone even further. We compare this show to that show, this person to that person, or even this piece of broken glass over here to that piece of glass over there. We even go so far as to compare ourselves with not only our friends, but with people we have never met before and seem to "idolize" from a distance.
And the worse part is that we take these challenges and heave them out in front of everyone so that they can see us, or our friends, parents, siblings and children, pushing forward in hopes that we will be voted "The best" or "The strongest" or "The prime choice" for the masses.
When did we get so involved with ourselves and being number one that we stopped taking common sense into account?
I mean, seriously. We had a TV show where people ate bugs.... FOR MONEY! And don't get me started on Jon and Kate and their brood. Is it really that acceptable now to air your entire clothesline full of dirty laundry to the public at large?
At least with blogs comes some sense of anonymity. Some. Not much. Which is why you can usually dictate who actually gets to read them, and who doesn't. You can even use them as a diary of sorts where no one else can read them if you want.
I find myself looking at where we are, as a whole, and I see disturbing signs that remained me a little too much of 'A Brave New World,' 'Farenheit 451' and '1984'.
Everything locked down into political correctness. Every thought, every belief, monitored for the "sake of world peace" as it were. We tag our pets and there has been talk of tagging criminals and children. Again, for the safety's sake.
Not too long ago, they took Webster's English Dictionary out of a public school because it had the definition of oral sex in it. They have since returned it. But how long before Tom Sawyer is gone, because of language that, at the time of writing, was thought to be acceptable.
Please don't get me wrong. I am not saying that we should return to that language or that we should say it is acceptable now, but what happened to parents and teachers working together? What happened for parents taking some responsibility for what their kids learn? Is the only thing we want to teach them is that as long as they can get their 20 minutes of fame, no matter how they get it, they will do just fine in life?
We sit in our houses, drive around in our cars. We preach a greener world ecologically speaking, but then we persue a greener world monetary-wise. We say that people should help each other, yet we only truly look out for ourselves. Why? Because as the saying goes, we do not have to out-run the tiger. We only have to out-run our companion.
We make excuses for our behaviour along the way. "Others will take care of the problems of the world," "It is okay if I don't participate. After all, I am only one person. I can't do much either," "It's only a problem. I am sure it will fix itself and not get worse." We have become a society that believes the world (and others in it) owe us, when we have done nothing to earn it.
Thus, while we may get mad and offended at some disaster or tragedy that befalls another, we only take action when it begins to intrude into our small little world. We watch others drink in the limelight, envious of what they "have" and wishing we had it as well. We become entranced with what we perceive as their "strength" at being in the public eye, and wish we had the same strength, or the same "abilty" to make "something" of ourselves.
So entranced do we get, that we become all but oblivious to what is truly going on around us. We ignore everything else and focus only on this small fraction. And when the world finally comes screaming at our door, we cry like we have never cried before. And we believe that we are alone, for no one can ever possibly understand what we are going through, because we live only in that small world.
It is a frightening concept. And one that leads down so many wrong paths. All of which have had some part in creating this decadent society in which we live.
Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps the world, and the people in it, are not as bad off as I perceive them. Perhaps on a few decades time, people will be waking up to a luciously green world, where they smile at each other, and inquire as to how others are doing. Perhaps they will work together to make the world a better place. And in doing so, they will learn to accept their differences and even revel in them.
Then again, perhaps in a few decades a single man will awaken one day to a never ending nightmare, where all he can do is scream "It's People! Solent Green is People!"
Either way, I guess we won't know until that time comes. In the meantime, better grab your 20 minutes of fame while you can. After all, it is only 20 minutes in the grand scheme of things.
And I am not just referring to things like "Coke vs. Pepsi". I mean, at least with something like that, you can understand the competition aspect. They are rival companies that each produce their product and each one is trying to get as many people as possible to chose its soda over the other.
When it comes to products and advertising, you have to compete. It is a "dog eat dog" world out there in those regards. But lately we, as a society, seem to have gone even further. We compare this show to that show, this person to that person, or even this piece of broken glass over here to that piece of glass over there. We even go so far as to compare ourselves with not only our friends, but with people we have never met before and seem to "idolize" from a distance.
And the worse part is that we take these challenges and heave them out in front of everyone so that they can see us, or our friends, parents, siblings and children, pushing forward in hopes that we will be voted "The best" or "The strongest" or "The prime choice" for the masses.
When did we get so involved with ourselves and being number one that we stopped taking common sense into account?
I mean, seriously. We had a TV show where people ate bugs.... FOR MONEY! And don't get me started on Jon and Kate and their brood. Is it really that acceptable now to air your entire clothesline full of dirty laundry to the public at large?
At least with blogs comes some sense of anonymity. Some. Not much. Which is why you can usually dictate who actually gets to read them, and who doesn't. You can even use them as a diary of sorts where no one else can read them if you want.
I find myself looking at where we are, as a whole, and I see disturbing signs that remained me a little too much of 'A Brave New World,' 'Farenheit 451' and '1984'.
Everything locked down into political correctness. Every thought, every belief, monitored for the "sake of world peace" as it were. We tag our pets and there has been talk of tagging criminals and children. Again, for the safety's sake.
Not too long ago, they took Webster's English Dictionary out of a public school because it had the definition of oral sex in it. They have since returned it. But how long before Tom Sawyer is gone, because of language that, at the time of writing, was thought to be acceptable.
Please don't get me wrong. I am not saying that we should return to that language or that we should say it is acceptable now, but what happened to parents and teachers working together? What happened for parents taking some responsibility for what their kids learn? Is the only thing we want to teach them is that as long as they can get their 20 minutes of fame, no matter how they get it, they will do just fine in life?
We sit in our houses, drive around in our cars. We preach a greener world ecologically speaking, but then we persue a greener world monetary-wise. We say that people should help each other, yet we only truly look out for ourselves. Why? Because as the saying goes, we do not have to out-run the tiger. We only have to out-run our companion.
We make excuses for our behaviour along the way. "Others will take care of the problems of the world," "It is okay if I don't participate. After all, I am only one person. I can't do much either," "It's only a problem. I am sure it will fix itself and not get worse." We have become a society that believes the world (and others in it) owe us, when we have done nothing to earn it.
Thus, while we may get mad and offended at some disaster or tragedy that befalls another, we only take action when it begins to intrude into our small little world. We watch others drink in the limelight, envious of what they "have" and wishing we had it as well. We become entranced with what we perceive as their "strength" at being in the public eye, and wish we had the same strength, or the same "abilty" to make "something" of ourselves.
So entranced do we get, that we become all but oblivious to what is truly going on around us. We ignore everything else and focus only on this small fraction. And when the world finally comes screaming at our door, we cry like we have never cried before. And we believe that we are alone, for no one can ever possibly understand what we are going through, because we live only in that small world.
It is a frightening concept. And one that leads down so many wrong paths. All of which have had some part in creating this decadent society in which we live.
Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps the world, and the people in it, are not as bad off as I perceive them. Perhaps on a few decades time, people will be waking up to a luciously green world, where they smile at each other, and inquire as to how others are doing. Perhaps they will work together to make the world a better place. And in doing so, they will learn to accept their differences and even revel in them.
Then again, perhaps in a few decades a single man will awaken one day to a never ending nightmare, where all he can do is scream "It's People! Solent Green is People!"
Either way, I guess we won't know until that time comes. In the meantime, better grab your 20 minutes of fame while you can. After all, it is only 20 minutes in the grand scheme of things.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
A summer gone astray ...
Okay, so sometimes I can be a little, how shall we say ... obsessive. Yes. I can be obsessive.
Not so much about people or even things, but about ideas and concepts. I find myself ruthlessly hammering through, breaking down walls and barriers to get to a truth that lays beneath both the obvious and the inobvious. It is in this regard that one can see my true calling. That I should have been a detective or an investigative reporter.
Actually, I almost did become a detective. Had myself all set up to get my PI license when I was working as a security guard for Pinkerton, but I became pregnant with my son and decided that running around with a gun and the chance of getting shot was no longer worth it now that I had a little one on the way.
Now that little one is 12 and I have a sudden urge to pick up where I left off. Unfortunately, I am no longer able-bodied enough to do so.
All of which has .... absolutely nothing to do with the reason I started writing this blog entry. LOL Yes, sometimes I can diverge so far off topic that I amaze myself.
Back to what I was writing.
Our summer plans are a bust. We will not be going to St. Louis. Why? Because my brother is most likely still going to be with us. I will not go into the gory details of it all, but I doubt we will have him back on his feet anytime soon. Especially with the vultures (his in-laws) fluttering around, waiting to feast on his carcus as it were.
This means no going to Pana to see friends that I have not seen in a very long time. And that means no chance to see someone in person that I have been wanting to see and talk to in just as long. And that brings us back to the start of this conversation, the use of the term "obsessive" and how it relates to me.
You see, I am going to admit something here, that I have not told anyone before. Yes, I do still have my secrets. And this is one of them.
There is a friend that I had a very, VERY long time ago. One that I had once, for a very brief time, counted among my best friends. It was back during kindergarten and part of first grade. She lived catty-corner to me and we would play at her house, and we hung out, with other mutual friends, at school. And we had fun. And though I seriously doubt that she, herself, remembers these times, I do.
I don't know exactly what caused it. I have always blamed it on the entrance of a particular person that came into the picture and, for some strange reason, decided that she hated me and made it very clear from day one that since she was now friends with my friends, I was to "exit" the picture as it were. But who knows. I was a child, and I only saw things from my perspective, so I have no real idea. But I have often wondered if this second girl claimed I was saying something bad about my friend when I was not.
I supposed that in the long run, whatever caused the sudden, irrevocable riff between us doesn't matter. For whatever reason, the damage was done. And for the longest time it seemed permanent. The friend I had once loved and cherised had turned into my own personal tormentor before my very eyes.
She became like a nemisis to me. An anathema. She hated me, and I tried to hate her. And some days, I suceeded very well at it. Other days, I found myself wondering what had gone wrong and trying to figure out why we couldn't be friends anymore. And it hurt. So in self defence, I did the only thing I could under the circumstances. I convinced myself that the girl before me was NOT the same friend I had once had. And it worked. And I was able to go about my daily business hating her and wishing that I never had to deal with her again.
Then another girl entered the picture. One that became a close friend to us both. One that put her friendship with my enemy at risk to defend me. And as I watched them from across a classroom, upset at each other because of ME, I remember that one was my friend, and the other used to be my friend. And I just couldn't tolerate it that they were angry and hurting when they themselves should have remained as friends.
So I did what any freakishly, annoyingly nice person would do. I insisted to the two (with help from yet another co-friend), that the two make up. I mean, why on EARTH should our mutual friend have to choose between us just because we can't stand each other? Right? Right.
I suppose that at this point I was only wanting to see what I wanted to see, but I could swear that after that, my former friend, and current nemisis, was just a touch nicer to me. Her words just didn't seem quite as harsh anymore, and there were days in which she completely left me alone.
But it is the last year I was there, my 5th grade year, that will stand out the most in my memory. We were learning all the capitols to all the states. And I had every single one memorized. I had worked day and night for WEEKS ON END to memorize them and I was SO proud of myself when I finally did it. I was bragging all over the place (I know. I shouldn't have). So what happens when you brag? There is always someone to pull the rug out from under you. And that is what she (rightfully) did.
She didn't believe that I had them all memorized, and thus insited on "quizzing" me on the playground in front of EVERYONE!!!! LOL And I took up the challenge. And subsequently failed. I can't remember which one I got stuck on ... But she sent one my way and I froze. You see, I had learned them in a specific order and out of order my mind went crazy trying to remember the correct answer. She told me to forget it. I obviously was wrong and would NOT be getting 100 on the test.
I ran crying for my "tree" at the far corner of the playground. My best friend came over to see if I was okay and even offered to punch her out for me (I declined because I was more upset with myself than I was with her), and calmed me down. And then I was able to give the answer and recite them again. So I feel that I am thus qualified to claim "stage fright" for the entire incident.
A few days later, we had the test. And I answered all with a vengence, POSITIVE I had gotten them all correct. And then the teacher dropped the bomb. HE was not going to be the one to grade them. WE were. We were to pass the tests either forward one or back one (I cannot for the life of me remember). This meant though, that my dreaded nemisis would be grading mine.
Now, please understand that when you deal with a person that hates you on a regular basis, you become a touch paranoid. And with paranoia comes worry. And I was worried. I was worried that she would find wrong answers and that she would mark others wrong just for the heck of it. So imagine my surprise and delight when I get my test back and she had marked it as perfect.
But again, that was not what stood out the strongest. What stood out the most, the memory I have carried only to myself and never told a single soul, was what she said afterwards.
She said she was sorry. She apologized for the incident a few days before and admitted that I was most likely just too worked up at the time and that her prodding at the quizzing had probably made it worse.
Now, I know she was only apologizing for that one thing, and that it was a small thing at that. And that there were still years of antaginization between us, but in that one instance it felt like the friend I had once had was still in there. I saw her heart, the way I had remembered it, shining through and I knew that deep down she was still a good person and always would be.
And for the first time in years, I had hope that maybe, someday, we could be friends again. And all the hatred and frustration I had for her was once again swept away. Of course it never happened. We moved out of state within a year/year and a half later.
It is funny though. There were many people left behind in that move. Some were friends and some were enemies. But out of all of them, aside from my best friend, she was the one that I thought of most often. Wondering if she had lived up to my hope and made herself the adult and person that I knew she could be. Worrying that maybe I was wrong.
Recently I have had the wonderful chance to get reacquainted with other old friends from that time period and discovered that she is okay and from what I can see, she is a wonderful friend to them. And it lifts my heart.
Which is why I wanted to make it back there this summer. Not just to see my reacquainted friends, but to hopefully see her as well. To see for myself the person she has become.
Alas, it is not to be. But at least now, I know, even if it is only through others, that she is still there and that she is doing well. That once good friend of mine....
Not so much about people or even things, but about ideas and concepts. I find myself ruthlessly hammering through, breaking down walls and barriers to get to a truth that lays beneath both the obvious and the inobvious. It is in this regard that one can see my true calling. That I should have been a detective or an investigative reporter.
Actually, I almost did become a detective. Had myself all set up to get my PI license when I was working as a security guard for Pinkerton, but I became pregnant with my son and decided that running around with a gun and the chance of getting shot was no longer worth it now that I had a little one on the way.
Now that little one is 12 and I have a sudden urge to pick up where I left off. Unfortunately, I am no longer able-bodied enough to do so.
All of which has .... absolutely nothing to do with the reason I started writing this blog entry. LOL Yes, sometimes I can diverge so far off topic that I amaze myself.
Back to what I was writing.
Our summer plans are a bust. We will not be going to St. Louis. Why? Because my brother is most likely still going to be with us. I will not go into the gory details of it all, but I doubt we will have him back on his feet anytime soon. Especially with the vultures (his in-laws) fluttering around, waiting to feast on his carcus as it were.
This means no going to Pana to see friends that I have not seen in a very long time. And that means no chance to see someone in person that I have been wanting to see and talk to in just as long. And that brings us back to the start of this conversation, the use of the term "obsessive" and how it relates to me.
You see, I am going to admit something here, that I have not told anyone before. Yes, I do still have my secrets. And this is one of them.
There is a friend that I had a very, VERY long time ago. One that I had once, for a very brief time, counted among my best friends. It was back during kindergarten and part of first grade. She lived catty-corner to me and we would play at her house, and we hung out, with other mutual friends, at school. And we had fun. And though I seriously doubt that she, herself, remembers these times, I do.
I don't know exactly what caused it. I have always blamed it on the entrance of a particular person that came into the picture and, for some strange reason, decided that she hated me and made it very clear from day one that since she was now friends with my friends, I was to "exit" the picture as it were. But who knows. I was a child, and I only saw things from my perspective, so I have no real idea. But I have often wondered if this second girl claimed I was saying something bad about my friend when I was not.
I supposed that in the long run, whatever caused the sudden, irrevocable riff between us doesn't matter. For whatever reason, the damage was done. And for the longest time it seemed permanent. The friend I had once loved and cherised had turned into my own personal tormentor before my very eyes.
She became like a nemisis to me. An anathema. She hated me, and I tried to hate her. And some days, I suceeded very well at it. Other days, I found myself wondering what had gone wrong and trying to figure out why we couldn't be friends anymore. And it hurt. So in self defence, I did the only thing I could under the circumstances. I convinced myself that the girl before me was NOT the same friend I had once had. And it worked. And I was able to go about my daily business hating her and wishing that I never had to deal with her again.
Then another girl entered the picture. One that became a close friend to us both. One that put her friendship with my enemy at risk to defend me. And as I watched them from across a classroom, upset at each other because of ME, I remember that one was my friend, and the other used to be my friend. And I just couldn't tolerate it that they were angry and hurting when they themselves should have remained as friends.
So I did what any freakishly, annoyingly nice person would do. I insisted to the two (with help from yet another co-friend), that the two make up. I mean, why on EARTH should our mutual friend have to choose between us just because we can't stand each other? Right? Right.
I suppose that at this point I was only wanting to see what I wanted to see, but I could swear that after that, my former friend, and current nemisis, was just a touch nicer to me. Her words just didn't seem quite as harsh anymore, and there were days in which she completely left me alone.
But it is the last year I was there, my 5th grade year, that will stand out the most in my memory. We were learning all the capitols to all the states. And I had every single one memorized. I had worked day and night for WEEKS ON END to memorize them and I was SO proud of myself when I finally did it. I was bragging all over the place (I know. I shouldn't have). So what happens when you brag? There is always someone to pull the rug out from under you. And that is what she (rightfully) did.
She didn't believe that I had them all memorized, and thus insited on "quizzing" me on the playground in front of EVERYONE!!!! LOL And I took up the challenge. And subsequently failed. I can't remember which one I got stuck on ... But she sent one my way and I froze. You see, I had learned them in a specific order and out of order my mind went crazy trying to remember the correct answer. She told me to forget it. I obviously was wrong and would NOT be getting 100 on the test.
I ran crying for my "tree" at the far corner of the playground. My best friend came over to see if I was okay and even offered to punch her out for me (I declined because I was more upset with myself than I was with her), and calmed me down. And then I was able to give the answer and recite them again. So I feel that I am thus qualified to claim "stage fright" for the entire incident.
A few days later, we had the test. And I answered all with a vengence, POSITIVE I had gotten them all correct. And then the teacher dropped the bomb. HE was not going to be the one to grade them. WE were. We were to pass the tests either forward one or back one (I cannot for the life of me remember). This meant though, that my dreaded nemisis would be grading mine.
Now, please understand that when you deal with a person that hates you on a regular basis, you become a touch paranoid. And with paranoia comes worry. And I was worried. I was worried that she would find wrong answers and that she would mark others wrong just for the heck of it. So imagine my surprise and delight when I get my test back and she had marked it as perfect.
But again, that was not what stood out the strongest. What stood out the most, the memory I have carried only to myself and never told a single soul, was what she said afterwards.
She said she was sorry. She apologized for the incident a few days before and admitted that I was most likely just too worked up at the time and that her prodding at the quizzing had probably made it worse.
Now, I know she was only apologizing for that one thing, and that it was a small thing at that. And that there were still years of antaginization between us, but in that one instance it felt like the friend I had once had was still in there. I saw her heart, the way I had remembered it, shining through and I knew that deep down she was still a good person and always would be.
And for the first time in years, I had hope that maybe, someday, we could be friends again. And all the hatred and frustration I had for her was once again swept away. Of course it never happened. We moved out of state within a year/year and a half later.
It is funny though. There were many people left behind in that move. Some were friends and some were enemies. But out of all of them, aside from my best friend, she was the one that I thought of most often. Wondering if she had lived up to my hope and made herself the adult and person that I knew she could be. Worrying that maybe I was wrong.
Recently I have had the wonderful chance to get reacquainted with other old friends from that time period and discovered that she is okay and from what I can see, she is a wonderful friend to them. And it lifts my heart.
Which is why I wanted to make it back there this summer. Not just to see my reacquainted friends, but to hopefully see her as well. To see for myself the person she has become.
Alas, it is not to be. But at least now, I know, even if it is only through others, that she is still there and that she is doing well. That once good friend of mine....
Monday, March 8, 2010
Not exactly what I asked for ....
Okay, so I know I have mentioned that I would love to have another child at some point in time. But let me clarify a few things in this statement.
At no point in time did I wish that the child in question would be an adult, let alone an adult that is older than I, and I definitely did not wish it to be my own brother! But it seems that this is what I am temporarily stuck with.
I swear, he is worse than Nathan! He leaves the lights on, wasting electricity, he doesn't pick up after himself when he eats (he doesn't even wrap up his left-overs for later, or toss them if he isn't planning on eating them later and he can't even be bothered to put his dishes in the sink or on the counter). If he eats outside the kitchen, then he leaves his food, drinks and/or dishes out where the dog can get to them. He was leaving mom's laptop on ALL NIGHT, until we finally stopped leaving it out at night (he has his OWN laptop, he doesn't need HERS), and at one time he left his laptop ON TOP of hers, all night.
He was dragging the round table across the floor with no regard for the fact that he might break the legs on it! (For those who are unaware of the round table, it is a small, short round coffee table with a beautiful ceramic mosiac on it that my mother and grandmother built and made by themselves when mom was a teen. It is to be handed down to Nathan, possibly through me, when my folks pass on and I LOVE it and do NOT want it damaged!)
Then this morning I came upstairs to find that last night he had been tweezing hairs off his face at the KITCHEN TABLE!!!! And he had NOT cleaned up after himself. He left the tweezers, the mirror and several small hairs behind on the table! GROSS!!!!!
He has no concern for others property! He is still spending money he does NOT have. He is no bugging us ALL the time to "Watch this" and "Watch that" on the internet. He is trying to turn OUR house into HIS house.
It is pissing me off. I am about to blow my lid. Now please understand that the reason I have not so far, and the reason I am trying to let my parents deal with him is because he is my brother, he has no where else to go right now except for his M-I-L, and she and he hate each other (thus why his wife and kids are there without him), and I do not want my brother out on the street and if I try talking to him myself, all he will see is a younger sister and we will get into it and I WILL throw him out. Which I am trying to avoid for my parents sake.
Dad is supposed to talk to him, cause mom has tried to talk to him nicely on a few of these things but it hasn't sunken in!
And he is STILL going on about how "terrible" his childhood was because we didn't have a lot of money! (Pardon me for saying so, but he is the only one of us three kids that thought we had rotten childhoods because we didn't have a lot of money. My sister and I didn't even notice. We were busy actually having FUN using our IMAGINATIONS.....)
I honestly feel as though I have had another child thrown into my lap to take care of. Only this one is 40, has no common sense and in serious need of a good whooping....
At no point in time did I wish that the child in question would be an adult, let alone an adult that is older than I, and I definitely did not wish it to be my own brother! But it seems that this is what I am temporarily stuck with.
I swear, he is worse than Nathan! He leaves the lights on, wasting electricity, he doesn't pick up after himself when he eats (he doesn't even wrap up his left-overs for later, or toss them if he isn't planning on eating them later and he can't even be bothered to put his dishes in the sink or on the counter). If he eats outside the kitchen, then he leaves his food, drinks and/or dishes out where the dog can get to them. He was leaving mom's laptop on ALL NIGHT, until we finally stopped leaving it out at night (he has his OWN laptop, he doesn't need HERS), and at one time he left his laptop ON TOP of hers, all night.
He was dragging the round table across the floor with no regard for the fact that he might break the legs on it! (For those who are unaware of the round table, it is a small, short round coffee table with a beautiful ceramic mosiac on it that my mother and grandmother built and made by themselves when mom was a teen. It is to be handed down to Nathan, possibly through me, when my folks pass on and I LOVE it and do NOT want it damaged!)
Then this morning I came upstairs to find that last night he had been tweezing hairs off his face at the KITCHEN TABLE!!!! And he had NOT cleaned up after himself. He left the tweezers, the mirror and several small hairs behind on the table! GROSS!!!!!
He has no concern for others property! He is still spending money he does NOT have. He is no bugging us ALL the time to "Watch this" and "Watch that" on the internet. He is trying to turn OUR house into HIS house.
It is pissing me off. I am about to blow my lid. Now please understand that the reason I have not so far, and the reason I am trying to let my parents deal with him is because he is my brother, he has no where else to go right now except for his M-I-L, and she and he hate each other (thus why his wife and kids are there without him), and I do not want my brother out on the street and if I try talking to him myself, all he will see is a younger sister and we will get into it and I WILL throw him out. Which I am trying to avoid for my parents sake.
Dad is supposed to talk to him, cause mom has tried to talk to him nicely on a few of these things but it hasn't sunken in!
And he is STILL going on about how "terrible" his childhood was because we didn't have a lot of money! (Pardon me for saying so, but he is the only one of us three kids that thought we had rotten childhoods because we didn't have a lot of money. My sister and I didn't even notice. We were busy actually having FUN using our IMAGINATIONS.....)
I honestly feel as though I have had another child thrown into my lap to take care of. Only this one is 40, has no common sense and in serious need of a good whooping....
Sunday, February 7, 2010
The Not-So-Hot Quasi-Reunion ...
Okay, so part of me was terrified and extremely nervous, but the other part of me was actually really excited. At first that is. I was going to be seeing people that I had not seen in close to 20 years.
I suppose that the night can be broken down into 2 categories. The bad news and the good news. The bad news? No one there seemed to know or remember who I was. The good news? No one there seemed to know or remember who I was....
It took all of 15 seconds upon entering DJ's Dugout for me to find myself back in the same damn shell I had spent my entire high school existance (and most of my adult years) in. The role of "she who sits there and watches as everyone else goes about their business." A new record, I am sure.
Yeah, I was not exactly a social butterfly as a kid. Not that I have developed into one since then. As hard as it may be for those who know me to imagine, and other's of you may have forgotten in the years you've known me, but, I tend toward being extremely shy and introverted. I would go to dances in school and end up being the perpetual wallflower, even though several friends were there. If people I know are busy talking to other people, I just can't bring myself to relex enough to break in unless I REALLY know the people REALLY well. Granted, that once I DO know people really well, I can be the "life of the party" if I want to. LOL
I had been hoping to have people with me that I could talk to last night, on the off chance that I had no one else to talk to. Unfortunately, no one was able to make it out there with. I chose instead to eat a few fries and head out. Luckily, since no one seemed to recoginze me, I seriously doubt that anyone missed me or even noticed my hasty exit.
Okay, don't get me wrong. I am not saying that the people there were bad people. In fact they seemed very nice and were enjoying themselves quite a bit. There was one guy that even talked to me and let me join the group he was talking to. I just had no idea of what they were talking about, and had very little to contribute. So yeah, back to the shell I went. I hate it. I had no trouble living most of my life in that shell until I actually spent a goog deal of time out of it. Suddenly, last night, I realized how confining and sufficating it really was. And just how much I hate it.
It was enough to leave me with the sudden urge to go home and bake a sheet cake simply so that I could eat the entire thing and then promptly go throw it up. An urge I have not had in years. NOT good. But I behaved myself, bid my time and then beat a hasty retreat. Okay, so that wasn't until after I had a momentary lapse in sanity and called one of my closest friends in desperation to beg him to come down and 'save' me as it were. Then I took stock of the situation, realized that we would be locked away from the dart boards pretty much, and without the ability to relax and play darts, it would look like the worse case scenerio of me freaking out and being EXTREMELY pathetic, because I couldn't handle the situation. No. I don't do pathetic anymore. So I called him back and cancelled the save request, ate a few fries, and got the hell out of there as fast as my legs could carry me.
I would have left even earlier, but when I had first gotten there, I could have SWORN I saw Crystal and that she saw me. If it was not her, it was a damn good look-a-like. Not sure, as I didn't spot Kevin and she turned away from me when I tried to get a second look. Those who know of the whole Crystal incident, must understand why I was loathe to leave sooner, as I didn't want it to appear that I was leaving due to her presence. What can I say, I am stubborn that way.
Yes. I think it would have been better if I had stayed home and I think that I will find out positively who will be going to the next official HS reunion before I put my marker down for going. Because I do not want to go through all this again.
I don't mind the wasted effort of making sure I looked my very best. Hell, I do that anytime I go out to a bar. But I didn't even get hit on by the generic, overly drunk, preverted guy who can't seem to take no for an answer, that some how always manages to find me in bars and harass me. So I didn't get to come home with any funny stories to tell either.... So yeah. The night was a total bust.
I suppose that the night can be broken down into 2 categories. The bad news and the good news. The bad news? No one there seemed to know or remember who I was. The good news? No one there seemed to know or remember who I was....
It took all of 15 seconds upon entering DJ's Dugout for me to find myself back in the same damn shell I had spent my entire high school existance (and most of my adult years) in. The role of "she who sits there and watches as everyone else goes about their business." A new record, I am sure.
Yeah, I was not exactly a social butterfly as a kid. Not that I have developed into one since then. As hard as it may be for those who know me to imagine, and other's of you may have forgotten in the years you've known me, but, I tend toward being extremely shy and introverted. I would go to dances in school and end up being the perpetual wallflower, even though several friends were there. If people I know are busy talking to other people, I just can't bring myself to relex enough to break in unless I REALLY know the people REALLY well. Granted, that once I DO know people really well, I can be the "life of the party" if I want to. LOL
I had been hoping to have people with me that I could talk to last night, on the off chance that I had no one else to talk to. Unfortunately, no one was able to make it out there with. I chose instead to eat a few fries and head out. Luckily, since no one seemed to recoginze me, I seriously doubt that anyone missed me or even noticed my hasty exit.
Okay, don't get me wrong. I am not saying that the people there were bad people. In fact they seemed very nice and were enjoying themselves quite a bit. There was one guy that even talked to me and let me join the group he was talking to. I just had no idea of what they were talking about, and had very little to contribute. So yeah, back to the shell I went. I hate it. I had no trouble living most of my life in that shell until I actually spent a goog deal of time out of it. Suddenly, last night, I realized how confining and sufficating it really was. And just how much I hate it.
It was enough to leave me with the sudden urge to go home and bake a sheet cake simply so that I could eat the entire thing and then promptly go throw it up. An urge I have not had in years. NOT good. But I behaved myself, bid my time and then beat a hasty retreat. Okay, so that wasn't until after I had a momentary lapse in sanity and called one of my closest friends in desperation to beg him to come down and 'save' me as it were. Then I took stock of the situation, realized that we would be locked away from the dart boards pretty much, and without the ability to relax and play darts, it would look like the worse case scenerio of me freaking out and being EXTREMELY pathetic, because I couldn't handle the situation. No. I don't do pathetic anymore. So I called him back and cancelled the save request, ate a few fries, and got the hell out of there as fast as my legs could carry me.
I would have left even earlier, but when I had first gotten there, I could have SWORN I saw Crystal and that she saw me. If it was not her, it was a damn good look-a-like. Not sure, as I didn't spot Kevin and she turned away from me when I tried to get a second look. Those who know of the whole Crystal incident, must understand why I was loathe to leave sooner, as I didn't want it to appear that I was leaving due to her presence. What can I say, I am stubborn that way.
Yes. I think it would have been better if I had stayed home and I think that I will find out positively who will be going to the next official HS reunion before I put my marker down for going. Because I do not want to go through all this again.
I don't mind the wasted effort of making sure I looked my very best. Hell, I do that anytime I go out to a bar. But I didn't even get hit on by the generic, overly drunk, preverted guy who can't seem to take no for an answer, that some how always manages to find me in bars and harass me. So I didn't get to come home with any funny stories to tell either.... So yeah. The night was a total bust.
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