A summer gone astray ...

Okay, so sometimes I can be a little, how shall we say ... obsessive. Yes. I can be obsessive.

Not so much about people or even things, but about ideas and concepts. I find myself ruthlessly hammering through, breaking down walls and barriers to get to a truth that lays beneath both the obvious and the inobvious. It is in this regard that one can see my true calling. That I should have been a detective or an investigative reporter.

Actually, I almost did become a detective. Had myself all set up to get my PI license when I was working as a security guard for Pinkerton, but I became pregnant with my son and decided that running around with a gun and the chance of getting shot was no longer worth it now that I had a little one on the way.

Now that little one is 12 and I have a sudden urge to pick up where I left off. Unfortunately, I am no longer able-bodied enough to do so.

All of which has .... absolutely nothing to do with the reason I started writing this blog entry. LOL Yes, sometimes I can diverge so far off topic that I amaze myself.

Back to what I was writing.

Our summer plans are a bust. We will not be going to St. Louis. Why? Because my brother is most likely still going to be with us. I will not go into the gory details of it all, but I doubt we will have him back on his feet anytime soon. Especially with the vultures (his in-laws) fluttering around, waiting to feast on his carcus as it were.

This means no going to Pana to see friends that I have not seen in a very long time. And that means no chance to see someone in person that I have been wanting to see and talk to in just as long. And that brings us back to the start of this conversation, the use of the term "obsessive" and how it relates to me.

You see, I am going to admit something here, that I have not told anyone before. Yes, I do still have my secrets. And this is one of them.

There is a friend that I had a very, VERY long time ago. One that I had once, for a very brief time, counted among my best friends. It was back during kindergarten and part of first grade. She lived catty-corner to me and we would play at her house, and we hung out, with other mutual friends, at school. And we had fun. And though I seriously doubt that she, herself, remembers these times, I do.

I don't know exactly what caused it. I have always blamed it on the entrance of a particular person that came into the picture and, for some strange reason, decided that she hated me and made it very clear from day one that since she was now friends with my friends, I was to "exit" the picture as it were. But who knows. I was a child, and I only saw things from my perspective, so I have no real idea. But I have often wondered if this second girl claimed I was saying something bad about my friend when I was not.

I supposed that in the long run, whatever caused the sudden, irrevocable riff between us doesn't matter. For whatever reason, the damage was done. And for the longest time it seemed permanent. The friend I had once loved and cherised had turned into my own personal tormentor before my very eyes.

She became like a nemisis to me. An anathema. She hated me, and I tried to hate her. And some days, I suceeded very well at it. Other days, I found myself wondering what had gone wrong and trying to figure out why we couldn't be friends anymore. And it hurt. So in self defence, I did the only thing I could under the circumstances. I convinced myself that the girl before me was NOT the same friend I had once had. And it worked. And I was able to go about my daily business hating her and wishing that I never had to deal with her again.

Then another girl entered the picture. One that became a close friend to us both. One that put her friendship with my enemy at risk to defend me. And as I watched them from across a classroom, upset at each other because of ME, I remember that one was my friend, and the other used to be my friend. And I just couldn't tolerate it that they were angry and hurting when they themselves should have remained as friends.

So I did what any freakishly, annoyingly nice person would do. I insisted to the two (with help from yet another co-friend), that the two make up. I mean, why on EARTH should our mutual friend have to choose between us just because we can't stand each other? Right? Right.

I suppose that at this point I was only wanting to see what I wanted to see, but I could swear that after that, my former friend, and current nemisis, was just a touch nicer to me. Her words just didn't seem quite as harsh anymore, and there were days in which she completely left me alone.

But it is the last year I was there, my 5th grade year, that will stand out the most in my memory. We were learning all the capitols to all the states. And I had every single one memorized. I had worked day and night for WEEKS ON END to memorize them and I was SO proud of myself when I finally did it. I was bragging all over the place (I know. I shouldn't have). So what happens when you brag? There is always someone to pull the rug out from under you. And that is what she (rightfully) did.

She didn't believe that I had them all memorized, and thus insited on "quizzing" me on the playground in front of EVERYONE!!!! LOL And I took up the challenge. And subsequently failed. I can't remember which one I got stuck on ... But she sent one my way and I froze. You see, I had learned them in a specific order and out of order my mind went crazy trying to remember the correct answer. She told me to forget it. I obviously was wrong and would NOT be getting 100 on the test.

I ran crying for my "tree" at the far corner of the playground. My best friend came over to see if I was okay and even offered to punch her out for me (I declined because I was more upset with myself than I was with her), and calmed me down. And then I was able to give the answer and recite them again. So I feel that I am thus qualified to claim "stage fright" for the entire incident.

A few days later, we had the test. And I answered all with a vengence, POSITIVE I had gotten them all correct. And then the teacher dropped the bomb. HE was not going to be the one to grade them. WE were. We were to pass the tests either forward one or back one (I cannot for the life of me remember). This meant though, that my dreaded nemisis would be grading mine.

Now, please understand that when you deal with a person that hates you on a regular basis, you become a touch paranoid. And with paranoia comes worry. And I was worried. I was worried that she would find wrong answers and that she would mark others wrong just for the heck of it. So imagine my surprise and delight when I get my test back and she had marked it as perfect.

But again, that was not what stood out the strongest. What stood out the most, the memory I have carried only to myself and never told a single soul, was what she said afterwards.

She said she was sorry. She apologized for the incident a few days before and admitted that I was most likely just too worked up at the time and that her prodding at the quizzing had probably made it worse.

Now, I know she was only apologizing for that one thing, and that it was a small thing at that. And that there were still years of antaginization between us, but in that one instance it felt like the friend I had once had was still in there. I saw her heart, the way I had remembered it, shining through and I knew that deep down she was still a good person and always would be.

And for the first time in years, I had hope that maybe, someday, we could be friends again. And all the hatred and frustration I had for her was once again swept away. Of course it never happened. We moved out of state within a year/year and a half later.

It is funny though. There were many people left behind in that move. Some were friends and some were enemies. But out of all of them, aside from my best friend, she was the one that I thought of most often. Wondering if she had lived up to my hope and made herself the adult and person that I knew she could be. Worrying that maybe I was wrong.

Recently I have had the wonderful chance to get reacquainted with other old friends from that time period and discovered that she is okay and from what I can see, she is a wonderful friend to them. And it lifts my heart.

Which is why I wanted to make it back there this summer. Not just to see my reacquainted friends, but to hopefully see her as well. To see for myself the person she has become.

Alas, it is not to be. But at least now, I know, even if it is only through others, that she is still there and that she is doing well. That once good friend of mine....