Have you ever noticed that almost anywhere you go anymore you are bound to find someone or something that is being compared to something or someone else that may or may not be similiar?
And I am not just referring to things like "Coke vs. Pepsi". I mean, at least with something like that, you can understand the competition aspect. They are rival companies that each produce their product and each one is trying to get as many people as possible to chose its soda over the other.
When it comes to products and advertising, you have to compete. It is a "dog eat dog" world out there in those regards. But lately we, as a society, seem to have gone even further. We compare this show to that show, this person to that person, or even this piece of broken glass over here to that piece of glass over there. We even go so far as to compare ourselves with not only our friends, but with people we have never met before and seem to "idolize" from a distance.
And the worse part is that we take these challenges and heave them out in front of everyone so that they can see us, or our friends, parents, siblings and children, pushing forward in hopes that we will be voted "The best" or "The strongest" or "The prime choice" for the masses.
When did we get so involved with ourselves and being number one that we stopped taking common sense into account?
I mean, seriously. We had a TV show where people ate bugs.... FOR MONEY! And don't get me started on Jon and Kate and their brood. Is it really that acceptable now to air your entire clothesline full of dirty laundry to the public at large?
At least with blogs comes some sense of anonymity. Some. Not much. Which is why you can usually dictate who actually gets to read them, and who doesn't. You can even use them as a diary of sorts where no one else can read them if you want.
I find myself looking at where we are, as a whole, and I see disturbing signs that remained me a little too much of 'A Brave New World,' 'Farenheit 451' and '1984'.
Everything locked down into political correctness. Every thought, every belief, monitored for the "sake of world peace" as it were. We tag our pets and there has been talk of tagging criminals and children. Again, for the safety's sake.
Not too long ago, they took Webster's English Dictionary out of a public school because it had the definition of oral sex in it. They have since returned it. But how long before Tom Sawyer is gone, because of language that, at the time of writing, was thought to be acceptable.
Please don't get me wrong. I am not saying that we should return to that language or that we should say it is acceptable now, but what happened to parents and teachers working together? What happened for parents taking some responsibility for what their kids learn? Is the only thing we want to teach them is that as long as they can get their 20 minutes of fame, no matter how they get it, they will do just fine in life?
We sit in our houses, drive around in our cars. We preach a greener world ecologically speaking, but then we persue a greener world monetary-wise. We say that people should help each other, yet we only truly look out for ourselves. Why? Because as the saying goes, we do not have to out-run the tiger. We only have to out-run our companion.
We make excuses for our behaviour along the way. "Others will take care of the problems of the world," "It is okay if I don't participate. After all, I am only one person. I can't do much either," "It's only a problem. I am sure it will fix itself and not get worse." We have become a society that believes the world (and others in it) owe us, when we have done nothing to earn it.
Thus, while we may get mad and offended at some disaster or tragedy that befalls another, we only take action when it begins to intrude into our small little world. We watch others drink in the limelight, envious of what they "have" and wishing we had it as well. We become entranced with what we perceive as their "strength" at being in the public eye, and wish we had the same strength, or the same "abilty" to make "something" of ourselves.
So entranced do we get, that we become all but oblivious to what is truly going on around us. We ignore everything else and focus only on this small fraction. And when the world finally comes screaming at our door, we cry like we have never cried before. And we believe that we are alone, for no one can ever possibly understand what we are going through, because we live only in that small world.
It is a frightening concept. And one that leads down so many wrong paths. All of which have had some part in creating this decadent society in which we live.
Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps the world, and the people in it, are not as bad off as I perceive them. Perhaps on a few decades time, people will be waking up to a luciously green world, where they smile at each other, and inquire as to how others are doing. Perhaps they will work together to make the world a better place. And in doing so, they will learn to accept their differences and even revel in them.
Then again, perhaps in a few decades a single man will awaken one day to a never ending nightmare, where all he can do is scream "It's People! Solent Green is People!"
Either way, I guess we won't know until that time comes. In the meantime, better grab your 20 minutes of fame while you can. After all, it is only 20 minutes in the grand scheme of things.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
A summer gone astray ...
Okay, so sometimes I can be a little, how shall we say ... obsessive. Yes. I can be obsessive.
Not so much about people or even things, but about ideas and concepts. I find myself ruthlessly hammering through, breaking down walls and barriers to get to a truth that lays beneath both the obvious and the inobvious. It is in this regard that one can see my true calling. That I should have been a detective or an investigative reporter.
Actually, I almost did become a detective. Had myself all set up to get my PI license when I was working as a security guard for Pinkerton, but I became pregnant with my son and decided that running around with a gun and the chance of getting shot was no longer worth it now that I had a little one on the way.
Now that little one is 12 and I have a sudden urge to pick up where I left off. Unfortunately, I am no longer able-bodied enough to do so.
All of which has .... absolutely nothing to do with the reason I started writing this blog entry. LOL Yes, sometimes I can diverge so far off topic that I amaze myself.
Back to what I was writing.
Our summer plans are a bust. We will not be going to St. Louis. Why? Because my brother is most likely still going to be with us. I will not go into the gory details of it all, but I doubt we will have him back on his feet anytime soon. Especially with the vultures (his in-laws) fluttering around, waiting to feast on his carcus as it were.
This means no going to Pana to see friends that I have not seen in a very long time. And that means no chance to see someone in person that I have been wanting to see and talk to in just as long. And that brings us back to the start of this conversation, the use of the term "obsessive" and how it relates to me.
You see, I am going to admit something here, that I have not told anyone before. Yes, I do still have my secrets. And this is one of them.
There is a friend that I had a very, VERY long time ago. One that I had once, for a very brief time, counted among my best friends. It was back during kindergarten and part of first grade. She lived catty-corner to me and we would play at her house, and we hung out, with other mutual friends, at school. And we had fun. And though I seriously doubt that she, herself, remembers these times, I do.
I don't know exactly what caused it. I have always blamed it on the entrance of a particular person that came into the picture and, for some strange reason, decided that she hated me and made it very clear from day one that since she was now friends with my friends, I was to "exit" the picture as it were. But who knows. I was a child, and I only saw things from my perspective, so I have no real idea. But I have often wondered if this second girl claimed I was saying something bad about my friend when I was not.
I supposed that in the long run, whatever caused the sudden, irrevocable riff between us doesn't matter. For whatever reason, the damage was done. And for the longest time it seemed permanent. The friend I had once loved and cherised had turned into my own personal tormentor before my very eyes.
She became like a nemisis to me. An anathema. She hated me, and I tried to hate her. And some days, I suceeded very well at it. Other days, I found myself wondering what had gone wrong and trying to figure out why we couldn't be friends anymore. And it hurt. So in self defence, I did the only thing I could under the circumstances. I convinced myself that the girl before me was NOT the same friend I had once had. And it worked. And I was able to go about my daily business hating her and wishing that I never had to deal with her again.
Then another girl entered the picture. One that became a close friend to us both. One that put her friendship with my enemy at risk to defend me. And as I watched them from across a classroom, upset at each other because of ME, I remember that one was my friend, and the other used to be my friend. And I just couldn't tolerate it that they were angry and hurting when they themselves should have remained as friends.
So I did what any freakishly, annoyingly nice person would do. I insisted to the two (with help from yet another co-friend), that the two make up. I mean, why on EARTH should our mutual friend have to choose between us just because we can't stand each other? Right? Right.
I suppose that at this point I was only wanting to see what I wanted to see, but I could swear that after that, my former friend, and current nemisis, was just a touch nicer to me. Her words just didn't seem quite as harsh anymore, and there were days in which she completely left me alone.
But it is the last year I was there, my 5th grade year, that will stand out the most in my memory. We were learning all the capitols to all the states. And I had every single one memorized. I had worked day and night for WEEKS ON END to memorize them and I was SO proud of myself when I finally did it. I was bragging all over the place (I know. I shouldn't have). So what happens when you brag? There is always someone to pull the rug out from under you. And that is what she (rightfully) did.
She didn't believe that I had them all memorized, and thus insited on "quizzing" me on the playground in front of EVERYONE!!!! LOL And I took up the challenge. And subsequently failed. I can't remember which one I got stuck on ... But she sent one my way and I froze. You see, I had learned them in a specific order and out of order my mind went crazy trying to remember the correct answer. She told me to forget it. I obviously was wrong and would NOT be getting 100 on the test.
I ran crying for my "tree" at the far corner of the playground. My best friend came over to see if I was okay and even offered to punch her out for me (I declined because I was more upset with myself than I was with her), and calmed me down. And then I was able to give the answer and recite them again. So I feel that I am thus qualified to claim "stage fright" for the entire incident.
A few days later, we had the test. And I answered all with a vengence, POSITIVE I had gotten them all correct. And then the teacher dropped the bomb. HE was not going to be the one to grade them. WE were. We were to pass the tests either forward one or back one (I cannot for the life of me remember). This meant though, that my dreaded nemisis would be grading mine.
Now, please understand that when you deal with a person that hates you on a regular basis, you become a touch paranoid. And with paranoia comes worry. And I was worried. I was worried that she would find wrong answers and that she would mark others wrong just for the heck of it. So imagine my surprise and delight when I get my test back and she had marked it as perfect.
But again, that was not what stood out the strongest. What stood out the most, the memory I have carried only to myself and never told a single soul, was what she said afterwards.
She said she was sorry. She apologized for the incident a few days before and admitted that I was most likely just too worked up at the time and that her prodding at the quizzing had probably made it worse.
Now, I know she was only apologizing for that one thing, and that it was a small thing at that. And that there were still years of antaginization between us, but in that one instance it felt like the friend I had once had was still in there. I saw her heart, the way I had remembered it, shining through and I knew that deep down she was still a good person and always would be.
And for the first time in years, I had hope that maybe, someday, we could be friends again. And all the hatred and frustration I had for her was once again swept away. Of course it never happened. We moved out of state within a year/year and a half later.
It is funny though. There were many people left behind in that move. Some were friends and some were enemies. But out of all of them, aside from my best friend, she was the one that I thought of most often. Wondering if she had lived up to my hope and made herself the adult and person that I knew she could be. Worrying that maybe I was wrong.
Recently I have had the wonderful chance to get reacquainted with other old friends from that time period and discovered that she is okay and from what I can see, she is a wonderful friend to them. And it lifts my heart.
Which is why I wanted to make it back there this summer. Not just to see my reacquainted friends, but to hopefully see her as well. To see for myself the person she has become.
Alas, it is not to be. But at least now, I know, even if it is only through others, that she is still there and that she is doing well. That once good friend of mine....
Not so much about people or even things, but about ideas and concepts. I find myself ruthlessly hammering through, breaking down walls and barriers to get to a truth that lays beneath both the obvious and the inobvious. It is in this regard that one can see my true calling. That I should have been a detective or an investigative reporter.
Actually, I almost did become a detective. Had myself all set up to get my PI license when I was working as a security guard for Pinkerton, but I became pregnant with my son and decided that running around with a gun and the chance of getting shot was no longer worth it now that I had a little one on the way.
Now that little one is 12 and I have a sudden urge to pick up where I left off. Unfortunately, I am no longer able-bodied enough to do so.
All of which has .... absolutely nothing to do with the reason I started writing this blog entry. LOL Yes, sometimes I can diverge so far off topic that I amaze myself.
Back to what I was writing.
Our summer plans are a bust. We will not be going to St. Louis. Why? Because my brother is most likely still going to be with us. I will not go into the gory details of it all, but I doubt we will have him back on his feet anytime soon. Especially with the vultures (his in-laws) fluttering around, waiting to feast on his carcus as it were.
This means no going to Pana to see friends that I have not seen in a very long time. And that means no chance to see someone in person that I have been wanting to see and talk to in just as long. And that brings us back to the start of this conversation, the use of the term "obsessive" and how it relates to me.
You see, I am going to admit something here, that I have not told anyone before. Yes, I do still have my secrets. And this is one of them.
There is a friend that I had a very, VERY long time ago. One that I had once, for a very brief time, counted among my best friends. It was back during kindergarten and part of first grade. She lived catty-corner to me and we would play at her house, and we hung out, with other mutual friends, at school. And we had fun. And though I seriously doubt that she, herself, remembers these times, I do.
I don't know exactly what caused it. I have always blamed it on the entrance of a particular person that came into the picture and, for some strange reason, decided that she hated me and made it very clear from day one that since she was now friends with my friends, I was to "exit" the picture as it were. But who knows. I was a child, and I only saw things from my perspective, so I have no real idea. But I have often wondered if this second girl claimed I was saying something bad about my friend when I was not.
I supposed that in the long run, whatever caused the sudden, irrevocable riff between us doesn't matter. For whatever reason, the damage was done. And for the longest time it seemed permanent. The friend I had once loved and cherised had turned into my own personal tormentor before my very eyes.
She became like a nemisis to me. An anathema. She hated me, and I tried to hate her. And some days, I suceeded very well at it. Other days, I found myself wondering what had gone wrong and trying to figure out why we couldn't be friends anymore. And it hurt. So in self defence, I did the only thing I could under the circumstances. I convinced myself that the girl before me was NOT the same friend I had once had. And it worked. And I was able to go about my daily business hating her and wishing that I never had to deal with her again.
Then another girl entered the picture. One that became a close friend to us both. One that put her friendship with my enemy at risk to defend me. And as I watched them from across a classroom, upset at each other because of ME, I remember that one was my friend, and the other used to be my friend. And I just couldn't tolerate it that they were angry and hurting when they themselves should have remained as friends.
So I did what any freakishly, annoyingly nice person would do. I insisted to the two (with help from yet another co-friend), that the two make up. I mean, why on EARTH should our mutual friend have to choose between us just because we can't stand each other? Right? Right.
I suppose that at this point I was only wanting to see what I wanted to see, but I could swear that after that, my former friend, and current nemisis, was just a touch nicer to me. Her words just didn't seem quite as harsh anymore, and there were days in which she completely left me alone.
But it is the last year I was there, my 5th grade year, that will stand out the most in my memory. We were learning all the capitols to all the states. And I had every single one memorized. I had worked day and night for WEEKS ON END to memorize them and I was SO proud of myself when I finally did it. I was bragging all over the place (I know. I shouldn't have). So what happens when you brag? There is always someone to pull the rug out from under you. And that is what she (rightfully) did.
She didn't believe that I had them all memorized, and thus insited on "quizzing" me on the playground in front of EVERYONE!!!! LOL And I took up the challenge. And subsequently failed. I can't remember which one I got stuck on ... But she sent one my way and I froze. You see, I had learned them in a specific order and out of order my mind went crazy trying to remember the correct answer. She told me to forget it. I obviously was wrong and would NOT be getting 100 on the test.
I ran crying for my "tree" at the far corner of the playground. My best friend came over to see if I was okay and even offered to punch her out for me (I declined because I was more upset with myself than I was with her), and calmed me down. And then I was able to give the answer and recite them again. So I feel that I am thus qualified to claim "stage fright" for the entire incident.
A few days later, we had the test. And I answered all with a vengence, POSITIVE I had gotten them all correct. And then the teacher dropped the bomb. HE was not going to be the one to grade them. WE were. We were to pass the tests either forward one or back one (I cannot for the life of me remember). This meant though, that my dreaded nemisis would be grading mine.
Now, please understand that when you deal with a person that hates you on a regular basis, you become a touch paranoid. And with paranoia comes worry. And I was worried. I was worried that she would find wrong answers and that she would mark others wrong just for the heck of it. So imagine my surprise and delight when I get my test back and she had marked it as perfect.
But again, that was not what stood out the strongest. What stood out the most, the memory I have carried only to myself and never told a single soul, was what she said afterwards.
She said she was sorry. She apologized for the incident a few days before and admitted that I was most likely just too worked up at the time and that her prodding at the quizzing had probably made it worse.
Now, I know she was only apologizing for that one thing, and that it was a small thing at that. And that there were still years of antaginization between us, but in that one instance it felt like the friend I had once had was still in there. I saw her heart, the way I had remembered it, shining through and I knew that deep down she was still a good person and always would be.
And for the first time in years, I had hope that maybe, someday, we could be friends again. And all the hatred and frustration I had for her was once again swept away. Of course it never happened. We moved out of state within a year/year and a half later.
It is funny though. There were many people left behind in that move. Some were friends and some were enemies. But out of all of them, aside from my best friend, she was the one that I thought of most often. Wondering if she had lived up to my hope and made herself the adult and person that I knew she could be. Worrying that maybe I was wrong.
Recently I have had the wonderful chance to get reacquainted with other old friends from that time period and discovered that she is okay and from what I can see, she is a wonderful friend to them. And it lifts my heart.
Which is why I wanted to make it back there this summer. Not just to see my reacquainted friends, but to hopefully see her as well. To see for myself the person she has become.
Alas, it is not to be. But at least now, I know, even if it is only through others, that she is still there and that she is doing well. That once good friend of mine....
Monday, March 8, 2010
Not exactly what I asked for ....
Okay, so I know I have mentioned that I would love to have another child at some point in time. But let me clarify a few things in this statement.
At no point in time did I wish that the child in question would be an adult, let alone an adult that is older than I, and I definitely did not wish it to be my own brother! But it seems that this is what I am temporarily stuck with.
I swear, he is worse than Nathan! He leaves the lights on, wasting electricity, he doesn't pick up after himself when he eats (he doesn't even wrap up his left-overs for later, or toss them if he isn't planning on eating them later and he can't even be bothered to put his dishes in the sink or on the counter). If he eats outside the kitchen, then he leaves his food, drinks and/or dishes out where the dog can get to them. He was leaving mom's laptop on ALL NIGHT, until we finally stopped leaving it out at night (he has his OWN laptop, he doesn't need HERS), and at one time he left his laptop ON TOP of hers, all night.
He was dragging the round table across the floor with no regard for the fact that he might break the legs on it! (For those who are unaware of the round table, it is a small, short round coffee table with a beautiful ceramic mosiac on it that my mother and grandmother built and made by themselves when mom was a teen. It is to be handed down to Nathan, possibly through me, when my folks pass on and I LOVE it and do NOT want it damaged!)
Then this morning I came upstairs to find that last night he had been tweezing hairs off his face at the KITCHEN TABLE!!!! And he had NOT cleaned up after himself. He left the tweezers, the mirror and several small hairs behind on the table! GROSS!!!!!
He has no concern for others property! He is still spending money he does NOT have. He is no bugging us ALL the time to "Watch this" and "Watch that" on the internet. He is trying to turn OUR house into HIS house.
It is pissing me off. I am about to blow my lid. Now please understand that the reason I have not so far, and the reason I am trying to let my parents deal with him is because he is my brother, he has no where else to go right now except for his M-I-L, and she and he hate each other (thus why his wife and kids are there without him), and I do not want my brother out on the street and if I try talking to him myself, all he will see is a younger sister and we will get into it and I WILL throw him out. Which I am trying to avoid for my parents sake.
Dad is supposed to talk to him, cause mom has tried to talk to him nicely on a few of these things but it hasn't sunken in!
And he is STILL going on about how "terrible" his childhood was because we didn't have a lot of money! (Pardon me for saying so, but he is the only one of us three kids that thought we had rotten childhoods because we didn't have a lot of money. My sister and I didn't even notice. We were busy actually having FUN using our IMAGINATIONS.....)
I honestly feel as though I have had another child thrown into my lap to take care of. Only this one is 40, has no common sense and in serious need of a good whooping....
At no point in time did I wish that the child in question would be an adult, let alone an adult that is older than I, and I definitely did not wish it to be my own brother! But it seems that this is what I am temporarily stuck with.
I swear, he is worse than Nathan! He leaves the lights on, wasting electricity, he doesn't pick up after himself when he eats (he doesn't even wrap up his left-overs for later, or toss them if he isn't planning on eating them later and he can't even be bothered to put his dishes in the sink or on the counter). If he eats outside the kitchen, then he leaves his food, drinks and/or dishes out where the dog can get to them. He was leaving mom's laptop on ALL NIGHT, until we finally stopped leaving it out at night (he has his OWN laptop, he doesn't need HERS), and at one time he left his laptop ON TOP of hers, all night.
He was dragging the round table across the floor with no regard for the fact that he might break the legs on it! (For those who are unaware of the round table, it is a small, short round coffee table with a beautiful ceramic mosiac on it that my mother and grandmother built and made by themselves when mom was a teen. It is to be handed down to Nathan, possibly through me, when my folks pass on and I LOVE it and do NOT want it damaged!)
Then this morning I came upstairs to find that last night he had been tweezing hairs off his face at the KITCHEN TABLE!!!! And he had NOT cleaned up after himself. He left the tweezers, the mirror and several small hairs behind on the table! GROSS!!!!!
He has no concern for others property! He is still spending money he does NOT have. He is no bugging us ALL the time to "Watch this" and "Watch that" on the internet. He is trying to turn OUR house into HIS house.
It is pissing me off. I am about to blow my lid. Now please understand that the reason I have not so far, and the reason I am trying to let my parents deal with him is because he is my brother, he has no where else to go right now except for his M-I-L, and she and he hate each other (thus why his wife and kids are there without him), and I do not want my brother out on the street and if I try talking to him myself, all he will see is a younger sister and we will get into it and I WILL throw him out. Which I am trying to avoid for my parents sake.
Dad is supposed to talk to him, cause mom has tried to talk to him nicely on a few of these things but it hasn't sunken in!
And he is STILL going on about how "terrible" his childhood was because we didn't have a lot of money! (Pardon me for saying so, but he is the only one of us three kids that thought we had rotten childhoods because we didn't have a lot of money. My sister and I didn't even notice. We were busy actually having FUN using our IMAGINATIONS.....)
I honestly feel as though I have had another child thrown into my lap to take care of. Only this one is 40, has no common sense and in serious need of a good whooping....
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